Love Regardless—Easter 2024

I always feel homesick for my mission during any and all holidays—and this Easter isn’t any different. I have found myself reflecting on the ideas of fresh starts and growth (which seems like a fitting time to update friends and family on my life from the last few years.)

Around this time of year 3 years ago I was sitting in Sunday School in Kauai when the Spirit hit me extremely hard. Our Sunday School teacher that day was teaching about Jesus and how he loved people regardless of social status, ethnicity, race, etc. The phrase “Jesus loved regardless” repeated in my head over and over again, day after day, month after month. I didn’t realize at the time the importance that phrase would have in my future. 

Fast forward to April 1, 2022:

My dad had gathered us kids together to tell us that he was gay. I cried. Questions began to stir in my head: How could someone hide that part of them for so long? Why is he telling us this now? What does this mean for our family? And then I remembered that phrase from Sunday school, “love regardless.” My heart began to turn those questions into statements: I love my dad. I am so glad he could finally live an authentic life. He has fought this for so long. I can’t imagine the mental taxation this has had on him. I admire his courage. I love him.

This event had changed the trajectory of my life and the lives of my family members. At first we all felt broken in different ways and with that came different approaches to healing. As people made certain choices that were hard for me to adjust to I continually reflected on the phrase “love regardless.” It’s not my place to judge, and I soon recognized that everyone is entitled to do what they personally feel is right. I can’t choose for other people, but I can choose to “love them regardless.” 

July 15 & 16, 2023:

A year later and we all were still trying to adjust to the family dynamic as my parents were now divorced. We all thought we were doing okay. Then my mom, sister, cousin, and I were hit by a driver who was under the influence while visiting family in Southern Utah. What was supposed to be a celebration for my cousin, turned into a nightmare. My dad drove down and cried tears of gratitude for our safety, only for him to be in the ER the next day after falling and splitting his head open. That day there were lots of heightened emotions which revealed that we hadn’t done the healing needed like we thought we did. As we gathered as a family Sunday night my mom said, “I think God had to literally flip my life upside down so that I can gain a new perspective and learn to love regardless.” There it was again—LOVE REGARDLESS. The phrase that I had kept in my back pocket since 2021. A phrase that I clinged to when nothing else seemed to be going right.

Now here I am in 2024, sitting in my mom’s new house in Southern Utah—reflecting on Jesus’s example to love regardless and how it has helped me get through some tough moments. As I have tried to love as He did, I have found peace with myself, have grown in ways I didn’t know I needed, but most importantly I have found a deeper love for those I come into contact with. Religious or not, I hope that we can all strive to “love regardless,” and that in doing so we can give people the love and understanding that is craved by all.

If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read. I am glad to finally be able to share all that has gone on in my life in a way that I felt comfortable with.

sunday thoughts

It's been a while since I wrote on here and just let my thoughts hit the keyboard. And I'm not going to lie, it has been a hell of a year since I wrote last. A lot of my time and energy was put into simply surviving, and that meant pushing away things I once enjoyed. I was so preoccupied with trying to distract myself from reality with work and school, that I lost the joy I once had. Less pictures were taken, less songs were sung, less words were written. And I want to get back to that place where I can enjoy the life I have been blessed with.

Today in church I sat, overwhelmed, with thoughts running through my head. With everything going on, I pushed my relationship with God out. I haven't prayed since I first came home from my mission, and frankly, I don't know how to even start a prayer at this point. I haven't read scriptures. I haven't even tried to open them up. Instead, I let them sit in my closet collecting dust. The only thing I've had the strength to do is go to church. There are many days I don't want to go, and most of the time it's because YSA wards freak me out. But other times it is because I don't have anything going on to distract me, and reality sets in. The reality that I haven't dealt with PTSD from losing Cozi, or the reality that my family isn't what it used to be. The reality that life has changed, even though I spent a whole year pretending it didn't.

But as sacrament meeting went on, I felt comforted and reassured. Memories from my mission came flooding through my mind, bringing feelings of peace and joy. I think that was one of the last times I remember being genuinely happy and confident with myself. I started to sit and reflect on my mission, what I learned, what I miss, and I felt that I needed to do my best to create healthy spiritual habits that I haven't had in over a year now. I was empowered by our speakers as they shared about hard things they've been through in their lives, and realized that everyone goes through hard things. But it can be made easier with Christ. So, here are my new goals to start building my relationship with God:

1. Pray every morning

2. Read scriptures or a faith-building book to settle down at night

3. Record what I am grateful for before going to bed

Here is to a new me who is stronger in my faith and in myself.

dear sister wilson,

It has been a while since I have written, and the reason for that is because I have been working hard for this specific moment. This past Tuesday I received a letter explaining that I would have the opportunity to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The process just to get the letter took many months, interviews, and prayers. Everyone has to make a choice to serve, and everyone's decision making process is different. Here was what mine looked like:

JANUARY 2019: Being a missionary had always been a part of my post-high school plan. I always looked up to the missionaries that came into our homes to share messages about Jesus Christ. And I knew I wanted to do the same. What I didn't know was that a lot of mental health struggles would put my plan on hold. Once I had gotten diagnosed with depression this past January, I was convinced a mission would be completely out of the picture. I didn't think serving a mission would be a good thing for someone who struggled so badly with anxiety and depression. A mission holds a lot of unknown and the last thing I wanted was to start something I couldn't finish because I didn't think about the triggers that laid ahead. So, I decided that a mission would be out of the question.

MAY 2019: I graduated from Snow and met with my ecclesiastical leader Bishop Larsen. He wanted to visit and make sure I had a job now that I was living back home. At the end of our visit, he asked if I wanted to serve a mission. I responded "Yes," but then tried to explain that I had no idea where that response came from. But for the next few months I began to question, "Why did I say that? Is it something I need to consider? Or do I just feel like it is what I'm supposed to do?"

JULY 2019: I have prayed about a mission now for two months and had no response. I have prayed for reassurance that serving a mission would be the right choice, but nothing has come. I was getting sick of not having an answer. Doubts of my beliefs in God started to creep in. Doubts I didn't even know I had started to eat me alive. I didn't feel confident, I felt like a hypocrite. My mom became worried, and my dad offered me a priesthood blessing. Afterwards, I sat in my room and read my scriptures and found Mosiah 23:10. It says, "Nevertheless, after much tribulation, the Lord did hear my cries, and did answer my prayers, and has made me an instrument in his hands in bringing so many of you to a knowledge of his truth." After reading this I knew that I needed to continue, and hoped peace would soon follow.

I finished the paperwork in August and waited two months before the letter came. And as soon as I read "Dear Sister Wilson," I knew that this decision was right. It didn't matter where I went. I was just grateful for the struggle that allowed me to get to this point. And October 1st became the best day of my life.

I'm so grateful for the support I got this night, and for the opportunity I have to serve the people in the Hawaiian Islands. I cannot wait for January 22nd to get here so that this new adventure can start!

end of the year & graduation?!

Well, we made it to the end. I honestly didn't think I would make it to this point. With everything going on this semester, I was nervous that I wouldn't be eligible to graduate. My GPA may not be the best, but I honestly am just happy to have been able to graduate. I feel so grateful for all of the friends I've made here and for the memories made as well. I seriously feel so incredibly lucky to have these people in my life. They are my greatest examples, and have made me become such a better person.

Thank you Snow for giving me the BEST two years of my life. This video highlights this past school year and it makes me so incredibly happy. I can't imagine going anywhere else for school. It's brought me some of the greatest friendships. These are the people who I cannot imagine going through life without.

spring break 2019: san diego & las vegas

For Spring Break this year, my roommates (plus Tarryn--the honorary roommate) to San Diego. We drove and stayed the night in St. George and then left early in the morning to make it to California.

We got to San Diego before we could check in to the hotel and immediately found the nearest beach. Let me tell ya--5 girls stripping in the car to put on their swimsuits was not as hard as we thought it would be. We were just all so excited to be in the sunshine and out of the car!

After the beach we went to get lunch at In-N-Out and then check in to the hotel. After checking in we got ready to meet up with Bunker, Taris, and James for dinner in Old Town San Diego. They were in California for a football camp and it was SO FUN to meet up with them!

Our second day was spent going to the San Diego temple. We were hoping to do baptisms for the dead, but the temple was closed. So we just walked around for a while, and ended up meeting the temple president. It was so awesome to talk to him about the fact that just being on temple grounds invited the Spirit. 

After the temple, we went to La Jolla beach, and got to see the sea lions and seals. They're like cute little ocean puppies. But they smell way worse.

For dinner we drove to Coronado Island and walked the beach. It is such a pretty island, and I wish that we could've spent more time there. We found the cutest little diner to eat at there, and had such a great end to the day.

Our last day in San Diego was spent going to a suspension bridge off of Spruce Street. It was beautiful! It almost looked like we were in a rainforest. Bella was terrified that it was going to break, so she was so grateful there was a rail for her to hold:)

After the suspension bridge we went kayaking and it was so cool! We were able to get up close to the sea lions and they would come swim right up to our kayaks! Sometimes you could see lion sharks, or sea turtles, but we couldn't see them that day on our tour. I would love to go back though and see if I could see them. 

After the kayak tour we were on our way to Las Vegas to meet up with some other friends from Snow. California traffic--is a real pain in the booty. But that night we got settled into the Vegas hotel and just had fun watching movies with everyone before bed.

That next morning we went to the 7 Magic Mountains. It was SUPER windy, but it made for a pretty fun photoshoot. Also, for lunch we went to Raising Cane's and that place is BOMB--10/10.

The next morning we went to the temple to do baptisms for the dead and it was much needed! There is something so wonderful about the temple and the peace that is there. This was definitely a highlight of the trip for me.

We ended the day walking the strip and swimming that next morning before heading back to school. Overall this trip was really fun! We did have a few bumps in the road, but with that comes a lot of learning & growing. I'm so grateful for this trip overall and all of the memories we made.