spring break 2019: san diego & las vegas

For Spring Break this year, my roommates (plus Tarryn--the honorary roommate) to San Diego. We drove and stayed the night in St. George and then left early in the morning to make it to California.

We got to San Diego before we could check in to the hotel and immediately found the nearest beach. Let me tell ya--5 girls stripping in the car to put on their swimsuits was not as hard as we thought it would be. We were just all so excited to be in the sunshine and out of the car!

After the beach we went to get lunch at In-N-Out and then check in to the hotel. After checking in we got ready to meet up with Bunker, Taris, and James for dinner in Old Town San Diego. They were in California for a football camp and it was SO FUN to meet up with them!

Our second day was spent going to the San Diego temple. We were hoping to do baptisms for the dead, but the temple was closed. So we just walked around for a while, and ended up meeting the temple president. It was so awesome to talk to him about the fact that just being on temple grounds invited the Spirit. 

After the temple, we went to La Jolla beach, and got to see the sea lions and seals. They're like cute little ocean puppies. But they smell way worse.

For dinner we drove to Coronado Island and walked the beach. It is such a pretty island, and I wish that we could've spent more time there. We found the cutest little diner to eat at there, and had such a great end to the day.

Our last day in San Diego was spent going to a suspension bridge off of Spruce Street. It was beautiful! It almost looked like we were in a rainforest. Bella was terrified that it was going to break, so she was so grateful there was a rail for her to hold:)

After the suspension bridge we went kayaking and it was so cool! We were able to get up close to the sea lions and they would come swim right up to our kayaks! Sometimes you could see lion sharks, or sea turtles, but we couldn't see them that day on our tour. I would love to go back though and see if I could see them. 

After the kayak tour we were on our way to Las Vegas to meet up with some other friends from Snow. California traffic--is a real pain in the booty. But that night we got settled into the Vegas hotel and just had fun watching movies with everyone before bed.

That next morning we went to the 7 Magic Mountains. It was SUPER windy, but it made for a pretty fun photoshoot. Also, for lunch we went to Raising Cane's and that place is BOMB--10/10.

The next morning we went to the temple to do baptisms for the dead and it was much needed! There is something so wonderful about the temple and the peace that is there. This was definitely a highlight of the trip for me.

We ended the day walking the strip and swimming that next morning before heading back to school. Overall this trip was really fun! We did have a few bumps in the road, but with that comes a lot of learning & growing. I'm so grateful for this trip overall and all of the memories we made.

if every emotion was a truck, i'd be...dead?

This post, is going to be one that I am sharing as a way to cope with what has been happening these past few weeks. I ask that if you read this, please do not critique me or applaud me. I just simply need to be honest with myself and this blog has become like my journal. Although this isn't something I want to share with anyone, I feel like this will allow myself and others to heal.

 To begin, I have to apologize for lying about Christmas Break. I wasn't lying about my "High 5," but the lows were some of the darkest I've ever experienced. I thought coming back to school would allow me to feel less anxious and feel like I was "back to normal" but it didn't. I was starting to feel more and more depressed. Although I wish I could've been afraid of returning to that dark hole, I didn't care. I was numb of every emotion all over again. 

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Thoughts began to fill my head, and tear me down. I lost control. My brain was binge eating negative thoughts. I became so consumed by them that I felt lost. I felt like I was in an alternate reality. I let days pass with no care in the world. I didn't care about my classes, socializing, or worse--myself. The thoughts became more and more debilitating, to the point that I didn't know why I was alive. I questioned why I was even on Earth. I felt as if no one would care if I disappeared. I wanted to melt away into a deep, deep sleep. If I never woke up, that would be okay with me. I didn't want to wake up anyways. I just wanted to escape. The only thing I did was take my medication. I stopped eating, showering, getting out of bed...I just didn't want to do anything anymore. I saw no point in being at school, around people, and even in being alive.

I got the thought to call my mom. She answered right away and knew something was wrong. I told her I need depression medication ASAP. I didn't tell her I was having suicidal thoughts, but just that I knew I needed help. My doctor called me soon after and we discussed additional medications I could take. After that I went back to bed. I hoped that this was just one big nightmare, and maybe- just maybe- I could be lucky to escape it. But I didn't. The darkness continued to surround me, even with the additional medication. I went to class and just sat there. I didn't want people to see me, and I feared being asked the question, "Are you doing okay?"

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My mom and grandpa came down to Ephraim to rescue me, due to a concerned text from Bella. When my mom walked in she said I looked awful. I felt empty, and it showed. I stayed with my mom and Pops in a nearby hotel for the next few nights. I got into a counselor at the wellness center, despite a long wait list. I started to take proper steps to get better. I got a Priesthood blessing from my grandpa, and took each day little by little. Three days. 72 hours. That was the amount of time my mom and Pops spent with me--cradling me, crying with me, and helping me. Those three days were the slowest, yet most needed days of my life. 

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In only a matter of weeks I went from feeling lost, doubtful, and depressed; to feeling found, hopeful, and loved. Although these feelings came from spending time with those who love me, they came even stronger as I turned to God. I screamed at, cried to, and thanked my Father in Heaven. I prayed more in a week than I have my whole life. I felt angels surrounding me and keeping me alive. I was reminded that I have a purpose here. Even though I might not know it yet, I am being molded into something even greater than I could've imagined. As I've taken more time to turn to him, go to counseling, and also take additional depression medication, I have found a light. Yes it is still a struggle, but I am taking every day one step at a time. I am living by the motto: Taking just one step is still moving forward. I found the ability to smile again. I realize that the person I am starting to become is a lot stronger than who I have been.

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I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am grateful that Christ suffered alone, so that I don't have too. Because of Christ, I know what it is like to feel peace. I know what is like to feel the redeeming power of Jesus Christ. I know that our Father in Heaven loves us and wants us to experience joy. I know that being here on Earth allows me to feel of that joy and love that comes from Him. I'm so grateful for the people who have been put in my life at the exact moment I need them. I'm grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and for the happiness I have as being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

merry christmas & happy new year

This Christmas Break was filled with highs and lows. But one of the things I love, is that despite the many lows, my family was there for a lot of the highs. My family is seriously one of my greatest blessings. No matter what happens, we always end up together surrounded by love and laughter. With that being said, I want to focus on my "High 5's" of Christmas Break. Enjoy!

High #1: Jen went through the Oquirrh Mountain Temple, and I was so proud. She has had such a desire to go through and she finally was able to do so. I remember her being so happy that day. She brought so much light into her home, as well as the lives of those around her.

High #2: I loved spending time with Pdog and my sisters. One of the best things Pdog and I did was braid his hair. He said that he was going to take over for Lil' Pump. As for the girls, I just loved being around them. I loved that we all slept downstairs, on Christmas Eve, on the rearranged couches. All four of my siblings made me laugh every. single. day. without fail! Whether it was by recreating vines and memes, or just trying to play Fortnite, they got me to cry from laughter.

High #3: We got to have our baby girl join us for Christmas Eve. Michael, Maryellen, and Scarlett all came over for a game night. Let me tell ya, when we all get together there is no telling what's going to happen. Little did we know that the night was going to end with whipped cream and curse words.

High #4: I loved spending time with all of my girls. Cute Autumn even planned to surprise me by having Ashlyn come down for the day. We all went to the mall and had such a fun time catching up with each other. We had so much fun just messing around and feeling like we could finally relax for a little bit.

High #5: New Year's Eve...I will let the pictures speak for themselves.

I loved ending the year with some of my favorite people. But more importantly, I am excited to see what lies in store for each one of them. I'm excited to see how much we all grow and become who we want to be. I couldn't have gotten through all the lows from the past year without them. But I'm especially grateful for the high moments that we've been able to share with each other.

temple square & missionary friends

To end this week, we decided to get a bunch of friends and neighbors and head to temple square up in Salt Lake. We met up for dinner and were so excited to finally have Chick-fil-A. It's been a long time since I've gone to the Salt Lake Temple. It felt good to be surrounded by so many who have an interest in the Church, or just serving others.

One of my favorite parts of the evening was being able to see Sister McMurdie and Sister Cox. I grew up in Arizona with both of these amazing women. Sister McMurdie and I were neighbors and our moms are still best friends. Sister Cox and I attended Elementary School together and became really good friends. It was so fun to see them sharing their testimonies of Jesus Christ with everyone who visited. They are such great examples to me and it was so good to catch up for even just a short period of time.

These people are some of my greatest blessings. I couldn't imagine going through life without them. They keep me going and make me want to become a better person. They are the best examples and I have loved getting to spend so much time with them this past semester.