This post, is going to be one that I am sharing as a way to cope with what has been happening these past few weeks. I ask that if you read this, please do not critique me or applaud me. I just simply need to be honest with myself and this blog has become like my journal. Although this isn't something I want to share with anyone, I feel like this will allow myself and others to heal.
To begin, I have to apologize for lying about Christmas Break. I wasn't lying about my "High 5," but the lows were some of the darkest I've ever experienced. I thought coming back to school would allow me to feel less anxious and feel like I was "back to normal" but it didn't. I was starting to feel more and more depressed. Although I wish I could've been afraid of returning to that dark hole, I didn't care. I was numb of every emotion all over again.
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Thoughts began to fill my head, and tear me down. I lost control. My brain was binge eating negative thoughts. I became so consumed by them that I felt lost. I felt like I was in an alternate reality. I let days pass with no care in the world. I didn't care about my classes, socializing, or worse--myself. The thoughts became more and more debilitating, to the point that I didn't know why I was alive. I questioned why I was even on Earth. I felt as if no one would care if I disappeared. I wanted to melt away into a deep, deep sleep. If I never woke up, that would be okay with me. I didn't want to wake up anyways. I just wanted to escape. The only thing I did was take my medication. I stopped eating, showering, getting out of bed...I just didn't want to do anything anymore. I saw no point in being at school, around people, and even in being alive.
I got the thought to call my mom. She answered right away and knew something was wrong. I told her I need depression medication ASAP. I didn't tell her I was having suicidal thoughts, but just that I knew I needed help. My doctor called me soon after and we discussed additional medications I could take. After that I went back to bed. I hoped that this was just one big nightmare, and maybe- just maybe- I could be lucky to escape it. But I didn't. The darkness continued to surround me, even with the additional medication. I went to class and just sat there. I didn't want people to see me, and I feared being asked the question, "Are you doing okay?"
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My mom and grandpa came down to Ephraim to rescue me, due to a concerned text from Bella. When my mom walked in she said I looked awful. I felt empty, and it showed. I stayed with my mom and Pops in a nearby hotel for the next few nights. I got into a counselor at the wellness center, despite a long wait list. I started to take proper steps to get better. I got a Priesthood blessing from my grandpa, and took each day little by little. Three days. 72 hours. That was the amount of time my mom and Pops spent with me--cradling me, crying with me, and helping me. Those three days were the slowest, yet most needed days of my life.
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In only a matter of weeks I went from feeling lost, doubtful, and depressed; to feeling found, hopeful, and loved. Although these feelings came from spending time with those who love me, they came even stronger as I turned to God. I screamed at, cried to, and thanked my Father in Heaven. I prayed more in a week than I have my whole life. I felt angels surrounding me and keeping me alive. I was reminded that I have a purpose here. Even though I might not know it yet, I am being molded into something even greater than I could've imagined. As I've taken more time to turn to him, go to counseling, and also take additional depression medication, I have found a light. Yes it is still a struggle, but I am taking every day one step at a time. I am living by the motto: Taking just one step is still moving forward. I found the ability to smile again. I realize that the person I am starting to become is a lot stronger than who I have been.
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I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am grateful that Christ suffered alone, so that I don't have too. Because of Christ, I know what it is like to feel peace. I know what is like to feel the redeeming power of Jesus Christ. I know that our Father in Heaven loves us and wants us to experience joy. I know that being here on Earth allows me to feel of that joy and love that comes from Him. I'm so grateful for the people who have been put in my life at the exact moment I need them. I'm grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and for the happiness I have as being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
