This summer has been one of the most difficult three months of my life. It was hard for me to think that I could go from being so happy to so joyless. I felt as though I would wake up and just exist-- with no feelings, no thoughts, no purpose. I felt like I was just hanging on to get through life. I never would've thought that I would be on a journey that led to medications and therapy. I never imagined I would suffer from anxiety and depression; yet here I was. It's hard to write my thoughts down when I don't exactly know how I feel about it still. I finally decided to get help from a doctor in June, and still I am trying to piece together everything that causes my anxiety.
Going through anxiety and depression is a learning curve. Some days I wake up and feel like I can do anything. Other days I want to hide in my covers and do absolutely nothing. I feel unmotivated and yet my brain is going 100 miles per hour, and I begin to tell myself that I am lazy or stupid. I feel worthless. I feel like I should be doing something, or helping someone. Yet I can barely keep my own head above water. Since being on medication, I have found that I am doing better. Slowly I am getting back to the person I want to become-- my true self.
Looking back on some of my favorite summer memories, I wish I could say that my smile was genuine. Sometimes it was! But sometimes it wasn't. Even though I am currently trudging my way through the quicksand that is anxiety and depression, I am so grateful I have supportive friends and family pulling me back up. They haven't let me sink, and they never will.
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