It's been a while since I wrote on here and just let my thoughts hit the keyboard. And I'm not going to lie, it has been a hell of a year since I wrote last. A lot of my time and energy was put into simply surviving, and that meant pushing away things I once enjoyed. I was so preoccupied with trying to distract myself from reality with work and school, that I lost the joy I once had. Less pictures were taken, less songs were sung, less words were written. And I want to get back to that place where I can enjoy the life I have been blessed with.
Today in church I sat, overwhelmed, with thoughts running through my head. With everything going on, I pushed my relationship with God out. I haven't prayed since I first came home from my mission, and frankly, I don't know how to even start a prayer at this point. I haven't read scriptures. I haven't even tried to open them up. Instead, I let them sit in my closet collecting dust. The only thing I've had the strength to do is go to church. There are many days I don't want to go, and most of the time it's because YSA wards freak me out. But other times it is because I don't have anything going on to distract me, and reality sets in. The reality that I haven't dealt with PTSD from losing Cozi, or the reality that my family isn't what it used to be. The reality that life has changed, even though I spent a whole year pretending it didn't.
But as sacrament meeting went on, I felt comforted and reassured. Memories from my mission came flooding through my mind, bringing feelings of peace and joy. I think that was one of the last times I remember being genuinely happy and confident with myself. I started to sit and reflect on my mission, what I learned, what I miss, and I felt that I needed to do my best to create healthy spiritual habits that I haven't had in over a year now. I was empowered by our speakers as they shared about hard things they've been through in their lives, and realized that everyone goes through hard things. But it can be made easier with Christ. So, here are my new goals to start building my relationship with God:
1. Pray every morning
2. Read scriptures or a faith-building book to settle down at night
3. Record what I am grateful for before going to bed
Here is to a new me who is stronger in my faith and in myself.
Tonight we read the, "...Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief" scriptures and talked about what could help anchor that father, in the story, moving forward. Your goals, Morgan, to strengthen your relationship with God are perfect anchors. I read an article that helped me tremendously during a really difficult time in my life that I love to share with others when I find out they are suffering and it is hard to hear God. Maybe it will help? https://www.ldsliving.com/michael-mclean-opens-up-about-his-9-year-faith-crisis-and-how-he-found-his-testimony-again/s/83606 and if you are more of a video girl, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckuIXECbB5E Love you, sweet girl!
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